Amor, According to Nara Shikamaru
by Nakoujou
Summary: Shikamaru WOULD kill the romance. A collection of stories on how Konoha's lazy genius/part-time hypocrite analyzes the several love cliches that have cursed his friends. Better yet, even Shikamaru himself falls victim to love. "Friends with benefits sounds excellent in theory, but terrible in execution. Like communism." M for language.
1. SasuSaku: The Engaged to Another

_Amor_, According to Nara Shikamaru

Summary: Shikamaru WOULD kill the romance. A collection of stories on how Konoha's lazy genius analyzes the several love cliches that have cursed his friends. Better yet, even Shikamaru himself falls victim to love.

Author's Note (Feel free to skip ahead to the actual chapter, which starts after the line break)

Hello! My name is Nakoujou, and I have been writing fanfiction for quite a few years. Usually, my stories are within the SasuSaku range but I want to break out just by a tiny bit. This was very spur on the moment story that was bubbling in my head and I had to write it down. It came out pretty nice, and with some additional days of editing, I'm finally good with it. Of course, there's always room for improvement but I'm satisfied with this chapter.

Inspiration: I was incredibly tempted to do those typical, love-cliche type of stories (Princessess, slave, vampire, etc) and see how my version would work but I wanted to put an interesting spin on it: It's from Shikamaru's point of view. I consider him my favorite character in Naruto and I love his cynical and sarcastic view, yet he manages to remain very mature. Exploring and experimenting with how he would see love was very interesting to write about.

This whole story is just as it sounds like. Shikamaru will summarize every epic, love cliche you see on fanfiction that spawns throughout a gazillion chapters...in one chapter. Each chapter will showcase a different scenario of a love cliche we find on fanfiction, using different couples, all through the eyes of Shikamaru.

The main couples that will be featured are SasuSaku, NaruHina, ShikaIno, and NejiTen. Those are the four I love the most, but I might experiment outside of those couples when I feel like it.

By the way, I'm not hating on love cliches. Some of them are very well-written and unique that I thoroughly enjoy. But sometimes, it gets too overdone. I don't even consider this story a parody of sorts. I see it more leaning to satire, but not entirely.

Obviously, my first victim is SasuSaku. I'm most familiar with this couple as I written many stories about them. Hence, I need to make fun of them first. Trust me: I'm a diehard SasuSaku shipper, but I can see it's faults and poke fun at it too.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this collection/anthology series! I don't know how much I'll update this since I'm still working on my main project "How Uchiha Sasuke Romanced Haruno Sakura." We'll see what happens!

-Nakoujou

* * *

><p>Chapter 1: The "I Love Her, But She's Engaged to Another Man" Scenario<p>

Subjects: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura

Hypothesis: Haruno Sakura will run out of her wedding, track Uchiha Sasuke all over the village because he refuses to be at stupid said-wedding, and they will confess their love and live happily ever after.

You would think that the Konoha would be overjoyed again after all the crap that happened during the Fourth Great Shinobi War. See, I thought peace would finally return when Madara was dead, not attempting to take over the world under some crazy Moon-Eye Plan that would summon some demonic monster back to life again. I thought we would be smiling when Uchiha Sasuke returned back to Konohagakure thanks to Naruto.

But no, peace did not come to Konohagakure. Don't get me wrong; war hasn't broken out again and I doubt we're on brinkmanship with any village.

In fact, it came in an intricately, white, floral invitation that read "You are invited to celebrate the union of Matsumoto Takeru and Haruno Sakura."

Okay, there were two things wrong with that within the first five seconds I saw that wedding invitation in my mail. Number one: the card looked extremely expensive. There at least a dozen origami flowers decorated from top to bottom. Those poor card makers.

Number two: Who the hell was Matsumoto Takeru? And how on earth did he and Sakura manage to meet, fall in love, and engaged in between a war? A freakin, world war that could have destroyed the ninja universe and they decide to get hitched? A curious thing, very curious.

Okay, who is this guy? According to the card, I'm supposed to believe that he's a Konoha-nin of our age, yet I've never seen or heard of him until I got this invitation. Where was this dude when we were in the Academy? Actually, I didn't even know Sakura was dating.

Yes, I'm not the closest person to her, but I think I would know if she had a boyfriend or not (especially since it's _not_ Uchiha Sasuke). And honestly, why is it the most random person? Why Sakura, with your giant forehead of knowledge, did you decide to marry a guy whom none of us ever heard of? I didn't know this guy existed. Why couldn't you have at least chosen somebody we know, like Kiba or Neji or Gaara? Women, these days.

Actually, that's just crack. I don't even know which one I prefer: friends dating each other or with some random person. I really don't know.

I thought the weirdness of Sakura's engagement would end after a day or two for me. I mean, the initial shock of realizing what happened wasn't too terrible. I would give Sakura my congratulations; even to her fiancée (I still always forgot his name. Honestly, where did this guy come from?) I really did think everything would go back to normal.

Oh I wish I did, if Uchiha Sasuke wasn't some drama queen.

I have no idea how much he had truly given up on revenge. Naruto had managed to convince Sasuke (after a gruesome, life-threatening fight between the two) to return back. I rather not go into detail about that because that's troublesome and none of my business, but basically, he's back to the normal, calm Uchiha Sasuke before leaving Konoha.

Until Sakura sent out those damn wedding invitations. And then, I don't know why Konoha is loving randomness so much, but Sasuke's caught that bug too.

Because a few days later, when Naruto's yelling at the whole village about Sakura's engagement, he was shut up by a reasons-I-don't-know enraged Sasuke, who chidori'd the poor guy into a tree.

See, for a lot of people, they would think that Sasuke's just moody for Naruto being too loud. They would think that Sasuke is still hell-bent against Konoha, which results in Naruto allowing him to be his little punch bag until he settles back in. Or maybe that Sasuke was banned from missions for two years and still used Naruto as a punching bag.

Or if you're like me, who finds connections through the tiniest moments (yet have cynical results), you would tie in to the fact that Sasuke had been very calm until a week ago...the same time Sakura sent out her wedding invitations. Then, you make startling realizations that you wish you never did, but it comes anyway.

Because Holy. Shit. Uchiha Sasuke's in love with Haruno Sakura. And she's engaged. Wow, that did not take the time to read a damn novel to figure out (Of course, it will for everybody else. I will never understand how people cannot see what is so obvious in front of them.)

I'm sorry, but in my cruel dry sense of humor, this is quite amusing. Really, I want to give Sasuke a plaque that said "Congratulations, Uchiha, for realizing you have feelings for a girl who loved you for six years the moment she's about to marry another man." If that's the only way he's going to know that he's emotional, then I feel so bad for Sakura. I swear, this is going to be a rollercoaster for them. Especially if she secretly-kinda-little bit-still-but out of guilt-teensy bit-OH WHO AM I KIDDING HERE?

We all know that deep down- like really, really deep- Sakura's still in love with Sasuke. Sure, Sakura gives off that vibe that says "Hey Sasuke, just because I've loved you for six years doesn't mean its forever." But honestly, pinning for Sasuke forever sounds saner than marrying a guy that nobody knows. Come on...Matsumoto Takeru? I still don't know what he does as a ninja. Where did you find this guy? WHO IS HE?

At the same time, I don't want a whole autobiography from him either. That's too troublesome. But damn, it would have been so much easier if her fiancée didn't pop out of nowhere.

Unfortunately, nobody except Naruto agrees with my theory. All the girls (especially Ino) think that Sakura has become the strong, independent woman. Sakura would never go back to loving a man who hurt her so much, Ino insisted. Sakura deserved to be with a man who would cherish her, love her, make her happy, and all the sappy romantic stuff girls want. Sakura has no room for a bastard like Uchiha Sasuke; in fact, she still hasn't completely forgiven him.

Well, Ino's going to have a hand-full when I turn out to be right.

I bet you anything that Sasuke and Sakura would go on this dramafest, arguing constantly on the stupidest things that eventually relate back to her engagement and her fiancée that nobody really knows about but he's a good guy supposedly. Then, they're going to have these small, but intimate moments where their fingers touch and all a sudden, it's like they're in heaven and the spark of love has returned. With some persuasion by Naruto (because he's so darn good at those) they will have a small return to friendship, but it'll be short-lived because Sakura's weird fiancée will have a bout of jealousy and distrust against Sasuke (Wow, _shocker_). But we all know that's not gonna work because Sasuke could easily bury what's-his-face in the ground without breaking a sweat.

And it still arises. Something obnoxious will go wrong with Sakura and her fiancée, leading her to run to Sasuke for comfort. They will probably start making out or getting busy under the sheets, which confuses them even more about their feelings. But Sasuke, being the total idiot he is when it comes to feelings, will say something stupid and very jackass-y to drive Sakura back to her fiancée because he "only wants her to be happy."

Sounds crazy, right? Yeah, but it's gonna happen. Trust me: I know how these things work.

Ino still thinks otherwise; Sakura's a lot stronger than I think, apparently. Sure, maybe she's starting to get friendlier with Sasuke as the wedding dates approaches. Sure, maybe Sakura is laughing around Sasuke more, showing how comfortable she is. Sure, they're just hanging out more to reform their friendship. And sure, maybe Sakura now blushes when Sasuke when he touches her _only _out of embarrassment. But Sakura _definitely_ does not love Sasuke.

Here's where she's wrong: I'm not denying that Sakura is strong. Hell, she could cripple me with two fingers if I got on her bad side. And yes, she's very independent.

But damn, she could be very emotional when it happens. Just look at it: She still loves the same man who tried to kill her. Twice. But hey, women are confusing. I rather not touch there again.

AND OH LOOK WHAT HAPPENS THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING?

Sakura catches her what's-his-face fiancée making out with a random girl at a club. She yells at him viciously on how she trusted him to never do such a thing. How she thought he was the one for her. How he was supposed to be different.

I hate to abuse her misery, but honestly Sakura...you should have seen it coming. ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S SOME DUDE NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT. WHY WOULD WE EVER TRUST A COMPLETE STRANGER?

Now, it came no surprise to me that she eventually sought out Sasuke for comfort but...DAMN, DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO MAKE OUT IN PUBLIC?

Well they weren't really in public. I mean, it was beyond past midnight where nobody would be out in the village. The only people out were Sasuke, Sakura and...me (Don't look at me; I don't remember why I was there either). Anyway, Sasuke saw Sakura crying on a bench (might I add it's the same exact bench he left her at for rapist and serial killers to hunt after her), she cried her heart out, Sasuke said something that's a mixture of his coldness but hidden feelings for her, and they proceed to make out.

I'm sure this is all very romantic to them, their insides so warm and hot and heavy and all that jazz. To finally get that kiss they had waiting for so long, yet is so forbidden. And something about the forbidden being the sweetest which makes absolutely no sense. And because they held out on each other for so long, only for them to kiss impulsively makes it even more worthwhile and amazing.

But from an outsider's point of view...it looks so weird. And uncomfortable. And nasty when it looks like he's a vampire sucking the blood and life out of her when really, Sasuke's just kissing her neck very "animalistically." Ugh, I can't even finish it. Honestly: making out only looks good when you're doing it. It's just incredibly awkward watching it. Which I have no idea why I continued to stare like some creep.

And the morning after, the fireworks came.

See, this is the part where Sakura and Sasuke start to ignore each other completely in public. When they are forced to be together (mainly by Naruto), they are just terribly awkward. Their tense nature makes it so obvious that something went down between them, but nobody knows why. Nobody knows what happened between them.

Except for me of course. Because I actually know. And I feel a bit prideful that only I hold this knowledge compared to everybody else. I swear, Ino's about to pull her hair out because Sakura refuses to tell her anything. Oh the great feeling of knowing a secret that everybody's dying to know. Sometimes, it's just too good. Heh heh.

I'm so cruel, enjoying so much from Sasuke's and Sakura's pain. And yet, I don't feel _that_ sorry, really. Yes, their situation does sound confusing and painful to deal with, but it's their own damn fault they're too stubborn to admit they're still in love with each other. Life would be so much easier if they actually confessed and beat that cock-blocking fiancée out of the way.

Now all that was left to wait was for Sasuke to be all angsty and goes "No, Sakura's too good for me. I have to give her up to the random-fiancée-nobody-cares-about no matter how emo and depressed I'll be for the rest of my life because I can't stop loving her." And on the day of Sakura's wedding, she'll finally realize that she can't let go of Sasuke, chase him somewhere because he can't stand to be at the wedding, and jump in his arms. They'll confess their love, kiss, and live happily ever after.

It's the morning of the wedding. We're all waiting in the church. While everybody anticipates Sakura saying "yes" to said random fiancée, I'll be the one that totally calls it when she runs out. Trust me, I'm not into those sappy romantic movies like Ino is. But when it happens in real life...oh I just can't wait to rub it in Ino's face to prove how wrong she is.

Hold up, something's wrong. Naruto just burst into the reception room, dragging out all the guys. He looks panicked, terrified, as if he's about to have a heart attack. Heh, maybe he's about to scream at Sakura how Sasuke refuses to be at the wedding-

WHAT? DID NARUTO JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID? UCHIHA SASUKE LEFT THE VILLAGE? AGAIN? AND HE'S ALREADY OUTSIDE OF FIRE COUNTRY'S BORDERS, NO WHERE TO BE FOUND? BECAUSE HE CAN'T TAKE THE CHANCE OF "RUINING SAKURA'S HAPPINESS" AGAIN? AFTER WE WASTED OVER FIVE YEARS TRYING TO DRAG HIS TROUBLESOME ASS BACK? OVER A GIRL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY ARE YOU SCREWING WITH US, UCHIHA?

Sasuke's too in love with Sakura, Naruto claims. He loves her so much that he only wants her to be happy, something he can't provide her. He fears hurting her all over again like when he left her on the stupid bench. And he's frightened by how much he loves her in return. And he so desperately wants to hold her, hug her, kiss her, and all that romance-y cliché stuff girls think guys want to do with them when confessing their love. And he doesn't want to ruin Sakura's potential happiness, because all that matters is that she smiles every-

OH WHAT A LOAD OF BULL! It's final: Uchiha Sasuke is the biggest coward in the world; he had to leave the freakin' village so he wouldn't have to face Sakura. Hell, I'm pretty sure he could murder Takeru (Wow, I remember his name) in ten seconds, BUT HE CAN'T ADMIT HIS CHEESY, UNDYING LOVE TO SAKURA?

I swear, I can hear Ino's voice gloating about how it's not physical strength that wins the girl, but the confidence to carry her as yours. That it's the heart that matters, not fists.

Screw that; Sasuke could still beat up the loser fiancée anyway.

Those two...they are going to have sad, miserable, angsty, depressing lives that I can no longer care about. I don't want to deal with taking Sasuke back again; Naruto's on his own this time (unless Sasuke starts the second wave of Akatsuki, then that's a WHOLE different story). Love is too troublesome, especially when it concerns an Uchiha.

Conclusion: Uchiha Sasuke can survive a Five-Kage-against-one battle, but he can't even bear to win a girl over some random loser that nobody remembers his name. Haruno Sakura needs to make up her mind faster when it comes to love.

* * *

><p>Thank you for taking the time and reading the first chapter to the very end! I hope that went well! I accept any form of constructive criticism as long as it doesn't go overboard in rudeness. Also, if you have any reccomendation for cliches, free feel to tell me which ones you'll like too!<p>

Also, I won't do anymore author's note. I only did it for this chapter because it's the first one. I'm starting to switch all my author's notes-ish rambling to my tumblr, which is basically just my penname following the tumblr link (easier one is found on my profile). Until next time!


	2. Every Couple Possible

Rating: There's no actual lemons, but it's suggested. So I'll say this borders between T and M

**AN**: A similar situation happened to me during junior year of high school. It's loosely based, not the most accurate. I drew inspiration from that event in my life. No one in my school is stupid to have sex there, but it is easy to access empty classrooms. Trust me, they keep their clothes on but...people are creative *shudders.* This also represents my attitude on reading lemons. I do read them here and there, where I have found the occasional good one, but...it's weird. I don't think I can read stories where there is lemons in every **freakin'** chapter. I did that to maybe two or three stories, but THAT was it. That's too much. By then, it's like I'm reading porn.

Sorry for the late update! Remember how I told you guys this would be a side project? Well, that's how I'm treating it. I'm currently working on my story "Letting Us Go" as my main one, but whenever I have an idea for this, I always write it down! This is for when I'm having trouble with my main story and I go over here. Okay, enough rambling about me. Enjoy the story! I apologize to those who I told that my next one was about NaruHina. I was having trouble writing that one and this current one came to me too easily.

* * *

><p>Chapter 2: The One Time I Decide to Study for a Huge Test...Everybody Suddenly Decides to Have Their Hormones Explode<p>

Subjects: Every horny idiot who I am ashamed to call my friends

Hypothesis: I actually ace my test.

Kurenai-sensei is a really nice lady. She cares for you whenever you need somebody to talk to and she fits perfectly for Asuma-sensei. That's why I feel bad for cursing her name when I realized that I actually have to study for her test coming up in half an hour.

I honestly forgot about that test until this morning when I overheard Sakura panicking about Kurenai's test. This is coming from the smartest girl in school, so yes; I might have a freaked a bit. Did I mention that Kurenai doesn't curve at all? Troublesome, troublesome. I mean, I'm sure I could pass in my sleep, but my dreadful mother expects me to ace the class or else she'll put me under house arrest, preventing me from going outside for cloud watching. Women are cruel.

Seeing that it's lunch time, and I don't want to talk to any of the idiotic boys who just fight and wrestle all the time like Naruto and Kiba, I think I should just study for the test. No stupid teenager wants to be in a stuffy room when it's such a beautiful day outside. This makes it perfect; I could study with no distraction at all. Yes, an empty room down the hallway. Beautiful. I open the room, taking in the peaceful silence. It's such a relief from Naruto and Kiba's arguments, Ino's yakking about clothes, and Lee's speech about doing a hundred laps around the school or whatever crazy stuff he does. I know there's nobody else in the room, but I still like to sit in the back corner. Reminds of me where I belong in a classroom, tch.

Alright, time to pull out my notes and the textbook for the next thirty minutes and-did somebody just kick the door open?

What. The. Hell. Who just came in the room to interrupt my study sessions-wait, are they moaning? It looks like a dark-haired boy, a girl with pink hair...

Aw. Hell. No. Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. I know you too are crazy for each other, dating for like the last three years or whatnot, but can you NOT make out in this room? How did you two, out of the twenty empty rooms on this floor, choose the _one_ room where I was in? And do you guys not noticing me _screaming_ at you guys? Or are you two already climaxing-okay, I don't even want to talk about that.

Oh, _that's_ cool, now I know they're just ignoring me. Sasuke slams Sakura on the desk, laying her flat on the back. Sakura, stop breathing so loudly. This cannot be the first time you did it with Sasuke. I know you're the sweet, innocent class president and all, but come on. We all know what happens when you date Uchiha Sasuke; you ain't clean after that.

But I'm too scared to get out. It's one of those awkward moments where you don't want people hunting you down because you ruined the moment. It's happened before, your body freezing because you have absolutely no idea what to-Hold up, why do I hear a zipper being pulled down? Why did I hear Sakura gasp?

"Oh my, Sasuke-kun, did it grow-"

Nevermind, I am OUT of here. I don't want to hear this nasty shit. I know I ran out of that room in a nanosecond. I hope when Sakura said "grow" she meant Sasuke's hair, not well...yeah. Ugh, I have sick-minded friends. They tainted me.

Hm, time to find another empty room. I walk down the hallways, going past at least three rooms from where Sasuke and Sakura were. Our school is low on budget, hence the super thin walls. It's why I'm sure everybody could hear Sakura moaning "_Sasuke-kun! Oh, Sasuke-kun_!" who are within a ten feet radius. I think I should get at least twenty feet.

Yes, empty room at the end of the hallway! Far, far away from Sasuke and Sakura! Nobody's even on this floor. Who on earth is hornier than those two? I mean, it's just Naruto and Hinata in this empty room-wait, what? Why is Naruto standing up with his pants halfway down? And why is Hinata, the shy heiress of the infamous Hyuuga family, on her knees, right in front of Naruto? Why is she blushing really, really red?

"N-Naruto, I don't understand how t-this works."

"Don't worry! It's just a simple blow-"

That idiot Naruto. Why do you have to make this harder on me? I'm out of here too. I should have expected this, as Sasuke and Naruto are best friends. As different as they are, they certainly do share unique things. Troublesome assholes. Thank god Hinata's head was in the way doing that...nevermind, I don't want to picture that either. It's so not Hinata to do that...ugh. Nasty. Kay, gotta clear my head. I need to study for this test. I don't want to deal with my mother's rampage. What is that test about anyway? Ah, I'll figure it out.

I take the stairs, descending down. In fact, maybe the dojo room is safe. The martial arts kids are never there; they believe in building energy by having some strange lunch ritual and what-not. The president of the martial arts club, Hyuuga Neji, takes this seriously. He enforces the club heavily in order for them to fulfill their "destiny" or some weirdo shit. He's into stuff like that, which I'm not surprised coming from a guy who has waist-long hair.

Perfect: the dojo is completely empty. Nobody is lying on the bamboo mat, fighting the heads off with wooden swords. It's beautiful. Neji, you are doing a perfect job maintaining control over this club. Hell, you even put up a sign that says "No members allowed during lunch." Amazing, Neji. Simply stunning. You have given me the perfect oasis from the annoying idiots of high school-did I just hear rummaging in the closet? And someone gasping that sounds oddly familiar? Like a girl with twin buns as hair and is Neji's vice president for martial arts club?

"Oooh, Neji..." Yep, it's definitely Tenten-What the fuck, did she just say "Neji?" Aw. Crap. I think I know what's happening next...

"I think you should release your buns, and I'm not talking about your hair."

I already know this is a fail.

Okay, so I was half right. But _DAMN_ HYUUGA! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD DO DIRTY TALK LIKE THAT! Who would have thought you had it in you between all your ramblings about "destiny" and "fate." I'm sure we all know what led you and Tenten in that closet-ah, nevermind, now my mind is getting tainted from these perverts. Okay, so I guess the dojo isn't so sacred anymore. Seriously, aren't you two supposed to be role models for the martial arts club? REALLY, GUYS? REALLY? Why you guys gotta play me like that? ME AND THE DOJO COULD HAVE HAD SOME SPECIAL TIME OF PEACE AND SILENCE WHILE I STUDIED!

I hate my friends.

Shit, shit, shit, fifteen minutes have already passed. And fifteen more to go. I need to find a room fast. I don't even remember what this test is about, but it's something to do with science or stuff. Maybe I should actually be awake in class, especially for science. Why am I learning science anyway? I don't even know what I want to do with my life. But we can deal with that part of the story later. My only goal right now is just find a damn empty room.

Well, I guess desperate times call for it. A closet is small and nobody ever really goes there. Not even the janitor. Who on earth is dumb enough to have-WHAT THE FUCK? HOZUKI SUIGETSU AND THAT KARIN BITCH? WHAT THE HELL? DON'T YOU TWO HATE EACH OTHER?

"Damn you, Suigetsu, and your huge ego..."

"I love how you hate me, but you can put it all there for my even bigger co-"

I slam the closet door shut. Filthy teenagers. Disgusting. I never realized my eyes could become a virgin over and over again. You would think I had enough of accidentally catching people having sex at school, but apparently...this school is _infected_ with perverts. And why today? Did everybody decide to release their hormones when I have a huge test? Is there a higher power up there, laughing at me for all those times I say "troublesome?" Because this is really, really troublesome, God.

I swear, every place in the building is not safe. Nothing is safe in this school. Oh my god, oh my god, why do I even go to this school? Why didn't I take up my mother's offer to attend private school? Actually, I hate those preppy snobs so I might as well be home-schooled. In the span of twenty minutes, I've caught nearly every couple in my grade doing it. And do not say the boy's locker room because I know some dudes in there who like to jack themselves; it's not that easy to ignore. And the whole school knows about Kabuto's "personal conferencing" with that creeper Professor Orochimaru in the locker rooms.

The library? Of course! That place is so pure! Teenagers these days don't even go near the library; too many books to fill their brains. Oh, you're so clever, Shikamaru. Why didn't you think of that in the first place? Everybody in this school is so dumb. Why would they need a library for-damnit, nevermind. Gaara and some random hot chick have something going on in between the shelves and-oh my god, mental note: Never check out, let alone touch, _Heart of Darkness_ again. Gaara, a book is for reading, not...THAT. If you can't respect the library, at least have some for the books. Please.

The chemistry lab? Oh yes, it seems like it's impossible, right? How could anybody deal with all the glasses and Bunsen burners and chemicals and liquids? Well they can. Especially if they're Tayuya having a foursome (I know, gross) with her Sound Four boys. I know that their burnouts but..they sure know how to utilize the tools-Awww, I could care less if I failed chemistry, but I am NOT touching any of that stuff.

The rooftop? Hell no. We all know that's the stupidest place to go to study. Because it's the number one spot for horny teenagers/burnouts/anything rebellious to do. It's isolated, free from people, gives you that sky-high feeling for pretty much everything to do. So I have no idea why I was so dumb enough to think that maybe nobody would be up there. And I was not surprised to find two horny teenagers there. What I was surprised about was the fact that those two horny teenagers were UCHIHA FREAKIN' SASUKE AND HARUNO SAKURA WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID YOU MIGRATE TO HERE? AND WHY ARE YOU GUYS NOT EVEN FINISHED? WHAT ROUND IS THIS? TWENTY THOUSAND, UCHIHA? I KNOW YOU GOT SOME GOOD STAMINA FROM TRACK AND FOOTBALL AND ALL THAT SPORTS SHIT BUT DUDE! AGAIN?

AND HARUNO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CLASS FUCKIN' PRESIDENT! WHAT KIND OF ROLE MODEL ARE YOU? NOW I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE MESSING WITH ME! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE! TROUBLESOME COUPLE!

Down the stairs of shame again. No, it's the stairs of anger. People, these days. They have no respect for public facilities. Sasuke, I hope you and Sakura have a pink-haired boy that people will make fun of forever.

Now that I think of it, I should have just gone straight to Kurenai-sensei's homeroom in the first place. People aren't going to do it with a teacher in the classroom, unless they're doing it to the...damnit, perverts in this school got me too. Whatever, it's the last free place anyway. Kurenai is always in her room (unless Asuma and her have other ideas, but they rarely don't. When they do, it's never in the classroom).

Just as I expected: peace. Kurenai's not in here; In fact, I only see Yamanaka Ino, this girl I've known since we were babies because our dads are best friends forever. Her face looks dead, laying flat on the textbook; has she been studying for Kurenai's test too? Actually, I forgot what this test is even about.

"Damnit, if only I could do what everybody else is doing for this test," I hear Ino complaining. Not sure what she means, but I share her feelings about this test. Hell, even I'm starting to panic.

"Just wing it, Ino," I suggest, but I know that always pisses her off.

"Like you always do?" I hate it when she rolls her eyes. They look so much prettier when she's calm and not trying to kill me every second of my life.

"Not this time. I don't even know what this test is about."

"Want to study with me?" I take up her offer, sitting across from Ino. I'm not sure why she's shuffling away her papers, but she looks at me and laughs. It's not her usual laugh that goes something like "Hey I'm about to tell you some juicy gossip that I know you don't care but Imma start talking anyway" laugh. There's something much more sinister about this laugh and dare I say...vixen-like? No, Ino does not sound like a vixen. That means I think of her as anything other than a childhood friend.

"Oh, Shikamaru, you really have no clue about this test, do you?" She says, bending over the desk as she leans closer to me. I do not like this at all, but for some reason, my little man down there is getting excited-woman, why are you touching my chest? Please get your hands off. It's making my pants feel tighter. Oh god, Ino, can you please not bend over so low? It's making me see how large your boobs are, which reminds me that they've grown since middle school and that it makes me curious what they look like-OH GOD NO! STOP THAT, NARA! You know that Ino's dad would kill you if you ever took this any farther, which is why you make an effort to be as sarcastic and ignorant to Ino ever since she started looking hot and getting curves-

What. The. Fuck. Did Ino just lick my earlobe? Did she just bit it? I don't care how sexy and hot and seductive or successful she is at this, but I do not like getting bitten. It hurts. A lot. And I don't like my blood spilling from anyway-Wait, when did Ino take off my shirt? And is she holding my belt? Like a _whip_?

"Would you like me to demonstrate how to study for this test?"

Conclusion: I did ace my test, but funny story, guys: It was on the human body.


	3. NejiTen: The Amnesia Story

Once Upon A Time...This Chick Lost Her Memory And The Dude Went Cray-Cray

Subjects: Hyuga Neji and Tenten

Hypothesis: We all know the drill. Neji becomes a wiener until Tenten gets her memory back through some dramatic, life-threatening mission.

Ahh, the infamous amnesia story. It was only a matter of time before it happened to my friends.

Except, I suspected it would have been Sasuke and Sakura first. Sasuke is such a dick and it would be a good "in-your-face" thing when Sakura forgets everything about his almighty-ness. Then we could have an entertaining rerun of Uchiha going berserk.

But no, we got even better victims: Hyuga Neji and Tenten.

Right? Nobody saw that coming. At least for those two. They've always maintained a very neutral stance on their friendship. Only small exchanges indicated their feelings went beyond the realms of friendship and teammates, but were way too stubborn to do anything about that. Troublesome.

I would go into a grand tale of how Tenten lost her memories, maybe sit you guys down on the floor while I challenge one of you to shogi as I tell it. But really, it's not that important. Long story short: They had a mission gone wrong, Tenten landed on her head from a thousand feet fall, she was comatose for a few days, woke up trying to figure out who was the white-eyed freak with long brown hair sitting next to her was (It's Neji if you couldn't guess with your simple mind). Minor details are what they are: minor, insignificant, unimportant waste of time. We get it Neji. What we don't understand is how the hell did she survive a thousand feet fall? Is that physically possible? Did some higher force decide that instead of killing her, she should just lose her memory? And if it did hit her head, her skull would have felt the impact, crushed to pieces, and Tenten would be dead. What are the chances?

Why is the world so weird.

So we then proceed to what happens to every boy who realizes their true love for a girl with no memories does in a panic: Make her _remember_. Why oh why? Because for some darn reason, the past seems so much warmer and better and happy compared to now. How does he do it? Try to recreate events that should work with some deja vu theory but really, it's stupid and pointless. Like it's _that_ easy. It's sweet that you're doing the same training routines with Tenten but come on. If you want her to fall for you, Hyuga, you got to change your strategy. Bring out your inner romantic, or something close to it that won't creep us out. Actually, I don't understand why they always try to recreate the past. Why can't they just make something up so the chick can fall for them right away? Oh right, because the guy is too dumb and always in denial about his own feelings. Goddamnit, Hyuga. You're making it more complicated than it should be.

Ahh, now we get to the good part: Tenten does very, well, not-Tenten things that irk Neji. It throws everything off balance. Instead of the two buns, she wore her hair down. I bet Hyuga thought she was pretty letting her hair loose, but he covers up by yelling at her. Said that's not how the real Tenten would do her hair. She argues back, and they proceed to have a lover spat. All while I enjoy a cup of matcha green tea. True joy does not come with having a partner, but silently observing the pitfalls of two people who clearly love each other, but won't do anything about it (albeit one did lose her memory and the other is an insufficient Hyuga).

Neji, stop being a dense little wiener and take initiative. Nobody's got time for you to play the cool, aloof genius. Especially me. And the rest of Konoha while we're at all.

Sometimes, it was startling. During practices, her accuracy was down. She didn't hit the bull's eyes as often anymore. Neji took it upon himself to regain her specialty, but we all know that's his excuse to get physically close to her with the whole "oh hey girl, let me show you how it's done." You know, he holds her hands, then after she gets it right, she'll be excited, but Neji still holds onto her a little longer because he's afraid she's some stupid fragile doll that'll fall apart the moment he releases her and their cheeks graze and touch and they have this awkward stare down before parting away and RUINING EVERY OUNCE OF ROMANCE FUCK YOU HYUGA! WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING A GENIUS! I BET EVEN SASUKE COULD DO BET-wait, I take that back. I don't even know who would win in the realms of romance considering Sasuke's lack of understanding Sakura's feelings.

Why are the guys in my class complete idiots?

It's looking hopeless. Months has passed and Tenten still hasn't regained any of her old memories. She doesn't look at Neji as an old friend anymore. No more memories of their training escapades together for the Chunin Exams. No missions where they banded together against Lee and Gai-sensei's antics. Gone. Disappeared. Never to come back. Never. Oh, how that haunts Neji. It's so clear in his eyes everytime he pushes an old event down memory lane and Tenten just shakes her head. I've never seen him so crushed.

Oh no, Neji. Poor, poor Hyuga. The only girl that ever cared for you has now lost her memories and every cherished moment you and her shared. All those little things you thought were insignificant have now become times you beg for her to remember. Now you'll have to work even harder to win her heart again. How dreadful, Neji. Oh, it's okay to sulk and-

NO IT'S NOT OKAY TO BE A CRYBABY, YOU SO-CALLED TOUGH GUY! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T TREAT YOUR WOMAN RIGHT, HYUGA! WHAT NOW? KARMA'S ONLY A BITCH IF YOU'RE ONE AND YES I'M TALKING TO YOU! DISAPPOINTMENT! DISGRACEFUL!

Well, at least the chance of a solution has arrived: An S-ranked mission where death is highly possible! And we all know what that translates: the perfect scenario to get Tenten's memory back! Man, I would have joined the mission but it's too troublesome and I could be relaxing. Who cares anyway? All that matters is the results. We all know that some dangerous criminal will kidnap or push Tenten to the side, Neji is gonna do everything he can to protect her and when he fails, he's gonna wail like a baby about his love for Tenten. And just right then, Tenten will magically remember everything, regain her strength, and defeat all the bad guys.

Yeah, that seems right. Now we just have to wait for then to return to the village in two days.

Or three. Maybe four. Add seven actually. Or a month.

Holy shit, they didn't die, did they?

Or maybe Neji decided to that he was done with this shit and decided to run far and far away with Tenten.

No, he doesn't have the guts. Or does he?

Why are they not back from the mission yet...

Damnit, now I'm placed on the search team to retrieve those two. For all I care, they could be making love purposely knowing they forced me on this missions. Those troublesome bastards.

Conclusion: Why bother with returning a girl's memories when you could just do her like Neji did WHEN I FOUND THEM IN A STUPID ABANDONED CABIN I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! SHOULD HAVE DECLARED YOU GUYS AS MISSING NIN SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS TROUBLESOME RETRIEVAL MISSION!


	4. NaruHina: The Princess and the Bodyguard

The One Where... She's the Princess, He's the Bodyguard, They Fall in Love, So Everybody Else Gets Screwed Over

Subjects: Hyuga Hinata and Uzumaki Naruto

Hypothesis: Their dream love gets threatened and when they defeat the forces against them...everybody else gets owned.

There's this magical kingdom run by the Hyuga Clan. They have two daughters. The oldest is Hinata, the fairest princess the world has ever seen, though that can't be trusted because the world has been here for the last billion years and the majority of those people are dead, so when people say someone's the fairest, it's an exaggeration. But we all know it's for propaganda.

So why do we care about this certain princess? There were hundreds of kingdoms during this time of age with their own princess that could be considered the fairest of them all. And I highly doubt they had princess pageants decide who could hold the title. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Allow me to brief you in: some idiotic country attempted to assassinate Princess Hinata when she was a teenager. Luckily, it was thwarted by the army (which I can't tell if I'm proud or ashamed or apathetic to be a part of, considering the knuckleheads in my division). I remember the Council discussing why there was an assassination attempt on the beautiful princess. After three hours of nonsense bickering, the King suddenly had an epiphany: "They want a war!"

No, Hyuga-sama, I'm sure they want to kill the princess for the heck of it.

Idiots. I work for idiots. I don't care how noble the Hyuga clan is. They're all idiots. Actually, everybody else is. This is why life is so troublesome.

Ahh, now comes down to one of the many bets the palace staff and army did during my time here. We were all betting on who would be Hinata-sama's new bodyguard. There were only a few selected choices, for the King wanted someone close to her age to double as a part-time companion. Neji, her cousin, was the top choice, but he also held a high position within the army. It was unlikely that his own uncle would want to take that away from him despite rumors of the Branch family warring with the Main one. Ah, family drama. But that is also for another story.

The day came for the King's announcement of Hinata-sama's new bodyguard, which no one really cared (or just me.).There were quite few contenders on the list. Uchiha Sasuke of the famous military clan. Inuzuka Kiba of the dog warriors. Akimichi Choji-okay, let's be real since I'm his best friend: he only has motivation to defend the last pork rib, not a silly princess he can't utter a single word without having someone asks her to repeat it-

Wait, did hd just say Naruto? As in Uzumaki Naruto, the number one knucklehead during training? Dead last? Are you kidding me? He's a complete joke and has no regards for the rules. If anything, he'll taint poor Hinata with his obnoxiousness. Now, I've never believed all that hype about the Hyuga Clan being so wise, popping geniuses out every generation. Hiring Uzumaki Naruto does little to prove their genius reputation. Thick heads.

On the bright side, he's a really nice guy. Apparently, Hinata and Naruto meshed well after only spending a few hours with each other. Of course, she's always a nervous wreck around boys. Hold on, I don't think I've ever seen Hinata faint talking to a boy? I mean, Uchiha Sasuke was voted the hottest soldier in the Hyuga Kingdom and Hinata doesn't even offer him a second glance. Actually, it's probably because he's frighten of him like many little kids. But Naruto? His face is messed up with those weird whiskers. What does he think he is, a fox?

Ino, one of the nobles, thinks Hinata has a crush on her new bodyguard. I usually roll my eyes, but Ino's right in this case. Hinata's face magically turn red when she talks to Naruto, who is so dumb that he's oblivious to this crush. Honestly, how did the Hyugas allow him into the army? How is he still alive after the numerous battles we've been through?

Oh, how adorable. They're starting to have those accidental moments where they touch gently, like a shoulder grazing or cheeks against another or falling on top or hands brushing and all those contacts that spark the start of something new. But seriously, somebody explain to me how this works. There is no scientific evidence to back those lovey-dovey moments. Not even the royal nurse Haruno Sakura can prove it with her large forehead.

I should be happy that the princess is finding a friend in her bodyguard. Outside of royal duties and meetings, they spend a lot of time with each other. I recall a large scheme among some of the other soldiers and the nobles' daughters to sneak Hinata out of the royal grounds so she could spend a day as a civillian with Naruto. Oh, such a noble and kind princess. Show your gracious name by walking like us for a day! That's charitable! Okay, that was mean. Hinata has done nothing wrong to me except waste five extra minutes when I talk to her because I need to her to speak louder each time for me to understand.

And typical Ino drags me around the kingdom to stalk Hinata and Naruto. For some ungodly reason, Hinata found great joy dressing in dirty, poor, trashy peasant clothes and Naruto is remarkably entranced by this. I don't get it. She looks like a pig, but Naruto watches her like she's the most beautiful, seductive mermaid or whatever. His taste in women are weird. Very weird indeed. And then they flounce and dance around the village like little kids. Hinata is strange, interested in simple things that are, quite honestly, not that interesting.

I always wondered how spoiled the Hyugas were to the princess. Why is she so excited by a piece of sausage? Has she never seen flies around them? Do you really need to watch a tailor sew a garment for twenty minutes? Is eating an apple fresh off a cart so magical it induces a foodgasm face on your innocent face, Hinata? How do you find joy in basic survival needs? How is this fun?

Oh right, it's because you were a pretty little princess locked in a castle to never experience pain and suffering, eating a plate that costs as much as one's life savings. Yes, pity you for never enjoying the simplicity of life. If you don't want the throne, there are plenty of other peasants that will gladly take it. Not including me, of course. But tempting. Very.

Nightfall comes around. Wow, they sure spent a long ass day doing absolutely nothing of interest. Why does Ino swoon over everything Naruto and Hinata do? There's nothing of value. Who cares that they're laying on the grass, lying very close to each other. Who cares that he pushes hair off her face. Or that Hinata stares at him with a happiness we haven't seen in her for years. Or that Naruto moves closer and closer. Or that their lips are touching-OH MY GAWD THEY'RE KISSING! KISSING! I SEE TONGUE! IT'S A TONGUE! TWO TONGUES! OH MY GOD HINATA-SAMA WHEN DID YOU LEARN ALL THOSE TRICKS? OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MY EYES! IT'S LIKE WATCHING KARIN AT TWELVE YEARS OLD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! NARUTO! HINATA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU-OH MY GOD THEY'RE MOVING TO NARUTO'S OLD CHILDHOOD HOME! OH MY GOD I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING ANYMORE-OH MY GOD, WHAT IF THEY'RE DOING IT OH MY GOD-

Okay, Ino told me to shut up. She doesn't understand how it's a big deal! They're simply two people in _love_. Where they came from has no value when it comes to one's heart.

"Besides, everybody knew this was coming," Ino rubbed it in my face. Badly. With her bitchy tone. Of course I knew it was bound to happen, but not so soon. And like this. Ugh, women. So troublesome.

Of course, their happy-go-lucky-romance romp night is ruined when the Hyuga's personal advisors discover Naruto and Hinata's little getaway room. Oh the scandal! They're horrified! The King is shamed! Neji is furious! The army gives no fucks! Their Hyuga name is tainted! Tainted, they say!

Are they really...IN LOVE? What the hell? You mean it's the real deal? As in legit? Oh no. This can't be happening. Aw heeeelllll no. They be snapping their fingers like ratchets. Ban the disgraced soldier named Uzumaki Naruto! Place him in the jail alongside the darkest criminals? Why, they say?

'Cause he banged the princess. Just like that. So Naruto just sits in behind bars, waiting to see his princess again. Or anybody sane really.

And it's so forbidden! Unheard of! A royal family's nightmare! She, a beautiful princess, and he, a lowly bodyguard...IN LOVE? It's so shocking! A complete surprise!

Yeah, right. Only the Hyuga clan was dumb to see all of this coming while the entire palace staff and army saw it coming. They one thing we disagreed on was the timing of everything-first date, kiss, sneaking Hinata-sama out of the palace, etc. Damn, I lost a lot of money from it. How the hell does Ino predict all of them?

And it's true that Naruto is kinda lowly. Not just technical terms. It's beyond that, unfortunately. I mean, that guy doesn't bathe everyday, even when he has that luxury to do so. Goddamnit, Naruto, it only takes two minutes to rinse everyday. Would it kill you to wash up just for that long? Seriously. If Hinata's father disapproves you for hygienic reasons, I have to agree with the King on that part.

Oh, what do you know? They're planning on marry poor Hinata-sama off to a random prince for a peace treaty (Honestly, how do these marriages work? What's wrong with a simple piece of paper and signature? It's a lot less trouble to go through). And Naruto's absolutely heartbroken. Upon hearing the news, Naruto breaks down completely. It was hard watching Sasuke deliver him the news. Seeing Naruto, a beacon of cheer and light and joy, cry a million bucket of tears is just...downright disgusting honestly. I'm all for men being allowed to cry but damn Naruto, you are an ugly crier. You wail like a female wolf giving birth to four demon babies.

Hinata lit up his world, Naruto says. The most beautiful soul he's ever met. No one else was worth giving up ramen for. He wanted to run away with her, grow old with ten grandchildren and weird romantic cliches that are not worth repeating. He can never regret loving her because she was worth it. More than her title could ever me.

Sorry, Naruto, but Hinata is filthy rich. If I had her money, I could buy a village to make me food, retire until death, and watch clouds all day. Now _that_ is the life.

How could they fall in love? Don't they know their emotions have to be dictated by society and the constitution of our kingdom? They can't disobey the laws! I don't give a crap about how in love they are; all I know is that their love is going to screw me, I mean, _everybody_ in this kingdom somehow. It always happens when people break the law. Ino and the others need to stop sighing about how romantic their forbidden love is. Oooohhh it's so beautiful and heartbreaking! Ohohoho! Your hearts will break when you realize that once the King finds out, shit's gonna go down for all of us. And it's not gonna be pretty.

Yes, I do pity them and it's a tragedy but come on. Think about how miserable you two are going to make us if you decide to continue with-wait, what just happened? Why is the King summoning us at two in the morning? I thought this was a peaceful era. Did you not just sign twenty treaties over the last week?

What. The. Hell. Naruto escaped the prison? Hinata is missing? They were sighted together on a yellow-mane, white horse? Holy crap.

THEY JACKED MY HORSE! FUCK YOU, NARUTO!

The worst part aside, the King is ordering the entire army to search day and night for his daughter. Day and night, I say! We're not allowed to stop until they're found. Basically, he's exiling his entire army to search for his dumbass daughter and her dumber bodyguard, leaving the kingdom vulnerable to enemy attack.

May I remind you that the Hyugas are considered geniuses?

Three days into the search, and we're starving. Those two think they're miserable? Look at the whole entire army. They're making us all depressed just looking for them. Even Sasuke, the resident sad boy, has taken depression to a whole new level through this hunt. Neji, the most loyal to the kingdom, has the "I'm done with this shit" expression permanently fixed on his face.

What a selfish couple, only thinking of themselves. So much for putting the kingdom first.

I can't deal with this crap. Not if I know what's bound to happen.

Selfish, troublesome bitches. On top of that, the stole my horse.

Unforgivable.

Conclusion: There is an expected 95% chance of me committing two murders when I get my hands on Naruto and Hinata.


	5. ShikaIno: The Korean Drama Emergency

The Korean Drama Emergency

Subjects: Nara Shikamaru and Yamanaka Ino.

Hold up. It's me? No, I am not living a Korean Drama. If I am, it's because I am the innocent third party observer who is the only sane one. And Ino just happens to be my over-excited sidekick who punches me all the time for no goddamn reason.

* * *

><p>I don't like this. I don't like this at all.<p>

My friends apparently find my commentary on their love lives cruel, mean, too intelligent for their average minds, and unnecessary. In vengeance, they forced me to sit through a questionnaire about my love life to mock me. Psh, I don't see how that will work. My love life is non-existent. They will find nothing worth torturing me about from their interrogation. Guess I can play along just to make them happy, considering they have awful, miserable, overly-dramatic love stories.

**State your name. **

Nara Shikamaru. Really guys? This is how you want to start it off?

**Explain your background. **

I am a Japanese boy from a Japanese family living in Japan.

"That's not stating your background," Sakura grills.

"Then what is?" She glares. Okay, I see how she wants this to play out.

I am the only child of a middle-class family, but my mother likes to exaggerate how incredibly poor we are despite owning high-tech cellphones and expensive skincare so my mother can wake up with perfect eyeliner and flawless skin due to BB creams. Hell, even my face is smooth like a baby's ass. My father is a lazy bum who doesn't do much, though I often wonder how he manages to pay for our mortgage.

"Yup, he's definitely poor," Naruto mutters, writing notes in a notepad (wow, he actually owns one).

**Do you have any longtime childhood friends?**

Only Akimichi Choji and Yamanaka Ino because our parents are best friends.

**Can you please elaborate further about your relationship to Yamanaka Ino?**

What the hell? What about Choji? I would actually die for him! I like him far more than Ino.

"No one cares about Choji!" Tenten yells. Wow, that's rude. Choji risked his life getting you into restaurants for discount. Ungrateful "friends" I've got.

Hmmm, she always taunts me, places me in life-threatening situations at least once every other year, talks too loud, sounds like a pig snorting, invests too much money on expensive skin products that do nothing to her boastful personality, I could go on honestly, but that's too troublesome.

"Yes we would like for you to go on!" Kiba insists.

"How? What else is there to know?"

"What you like about her?"

Hmm, well I guess she is pretty for a rich girl.

"-thinks Ino is the most beautiful girl in the world-" Naruto scribbles in his notebook. Where the hell are they trying to go with this?

**How did you meet Yamanaka Ino? **

Uhh, through our parents. They've been friends forever.

**Explain further. **

What do you mean explain further? How the hell should I know? We were only babies! First words: "goo goo gaaa gaa?"

"Awww, they've known each other since forever! This is so romantic!" Sakura squeals.

Wait, how is this romantic? Are you suggesting I have feelings for her?

They all stare blankly, then devious grins spread among them like a virus. What is this supposed to mean...

**Do you believe Yamanaka Ino has potential admirers?**

Admirers? Well, lots but none of them are _that_ serious. She only likes their attention 'cause she's a self-absorbed, air-headed princess.

"And why do you consider her a princess?" I don't like how sneaky Naruto looks, especially when his grin and eyebrows are so high. His eyebrow game is getting creepy here.

Well, she's obnoxiously rich since her father somehow manages to own every single company in Japan for god knows why, so Choji and I joke that Ino is the "princess" in our trio. I bet too many generations ago, her family killed someone. Like the yakuza. OH MY GOD WHAT IF THE YAMANAKA ARE SECRETLY GANGSTERS IN DISGUISE-

"Shut up, Shikamaru. You're going off-topic," TEnten lectures. Off-topic of what? What are they trying to get at this?

**Back to her admirors. Was there a specific one that would piss you off? **

A specific admirer? What makes you think Ino having admirers would piss me off? The only one that's come close to that is Sai. He's some poor orphan dude who draws too much stupid art but is still really famous and rich from his works. No idea why, but the guy never names his own works, yet still manages to make a higher paycheck than Choji and I together. Sai says that giving each a name would be saying they're individual, not part of the collection he displays in galleries. "They are all one and whole." What a snob. Doesn't know how to refrain his mouth yet when it comes to Ino; she seems to receive all the compliments. So what if he calls her "beautiful" and "amazing" and "lovely" and it makes Ino swoon? I could say the same thing too, but I don't want to. Pf, I could do it _without_ saying anything to her.

"Or so he believes," Kiba feigns a sniff.

Was there a particular moment between you and Sai that threatened your relationship with Ino?

Hey, I don't have a relationship with Ino. I don't like her that way. I just happen to stare too long at a friend who's really pretty.

But yes, there was this particular series of events where Ino had fallen ill from god-knows-what. Honestly, I thought it was a cold but a few weeks later, she fainted when Sai and I got in an argument about her health. Instead of calling for an ambulance like a sane person, Sai decides to drive her to the hospital in the dumbest traffic I've witnessed.

Ugh I hate, Sai. He drives way faster than the speed limit and doesn't even wait for me to buckle Ino in the car. If we were in an ambulance, this wouldn't be an issue. I remembered my train of thoughts clear as day: "Ugh Sai, your driving sucks like the rest of Japan- Wait, are you trying to swerve? At this speed? In Japan of all places? Wait, this looks like the beginning of a U-Turn. No, you cannot do a u-turn in the-WHAT THE HELL WHY ARE YOU DOING A U-TURN IN THE MIDDLE OF STREET? DO YOU NOT SEE THE DOZENS OF CARS THAT YOU CUT OFF! THAT WAS AN ILLEGAL, DANGEROUS U-TURN! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT WITHOUT DYING! OR KILLING OTHER PEOPLE! OR WORSE, GETTING AN OVERPRICED TICKET! DOES THIS WORLD NOT MAKE ANY SENSE?"

Japan, get your traffic laws straight.

**After you arrived at the hospital, what happened?**

They took her to the ER. Sai wanted to be there right with her but he's so dumb; doesn't he know not to distract the nurses? I don't care if I wanted to punch Sai and hold Ino's hand forever until she wakes up, but his thinking is dumb. Ha, who does that?

"Oh, so naive," Kiba shakes his head. I'll just ignore you.

Apparently, she didn't even need the ER. She just blacked out. God, way to panick Sai and steal the show 'cause it's not like I would have done the same thing, you know? The doctor did his normal check-up, walked to the waiting room and delivered us the news:

"She has cancer." Oh... that escalated quickly.

What? She has cancer? When? How? From just fainting? Oh my god. What type is it? Wait, how do the doctors NOT know the type of cancer? We're paying you how much cash and you don't even know? How the hell are you going over budget on this? Just because you went to medical school doesn't mean every fainting spell leads to cancer.

And then he spewed out so many medical facts and evidence that even I can't catch up. I wonder if he's saying a whole bunch of smart stuff just to suck out money from us.

I didn't believe that phony doctor, even though my heart was beating faster than my track and field days. Sai, who I thought was a emotionally-handicapped, falls the ground and wails. Oh, how he's loved Ino since the day he's met her even though that was only like 3 months ago (what a marshmallow). This fool only knows love from a textbook. He doesn't know how to love Ino.

**Explain how one would love Yamanaka Ino.**

He only seems Ino as beautiful when she's happy. Sai needs a lesson when it comes to being in love with Ino. It means seeing through her kindness when she strangles you because you forgot to buy her low-fat cheese instead of regular cheese. It means seeing her as beautiful whether she cakes her face with layers of makeup or with the worst dark circles and acne in the morning. And it's watching her grow up from an strong-willed little girl to an even tougher woman in the world. And now to realize it's about to be taken away from you in a matter of time...it's frustrating. Your world is crashing and you cannot reel it back. All those times with her only to given a definite ending so soon. Your heartbeat doesn't stop when you have nightmares of her dead face, her contagious laughter through your restless sleep. Sai, you can't love Ino until you've seen all of that.

"Ha, we've got you!" Tenten jumps up and down. I'm confused. What just happened? Why are you laughing at my pain? OUR PAIN? INO HAS FREAKIN' CANCER! SHOULDN'T YOU BE BAWLING YOUR EYES OUT?

"Evidence," Shino adds creepily behind Kiba. Has he been here the whole time?

"Shikamaru, your life is a Korean Drama," Naruto announces.

Wait? What do you mean my life is a Korean Drama? Hell no! Look who you're talking to. I'm the last dramatic person out of you crazies. I'm not the rich guy here. I'm certainly not stuck in a love triangle either. Hey, Sai does not count. His feelings for Ino aren't even good enough to be considered a love triangle. Not in this scenario. Because that would require someone else fighting over me too. So no, my life is not a Korean drama.

**Errr, hello? Temari?**

Why does Temari have to be involved? And why bring her up so randomly in my life? I mean, she has flirted with me here and there during business meetings, gone to dinner a few times at some obnoxiously fancy restaurants, but it never amounted to anything. Plus, she's rich. Like Ino. Also, her family's company is rivals with the Yamanakas. And I guess I'm the poor-but-not-really-since-I-have-a-nice-smartphone boy. Wait.

"Yes, Shikamaru," Sakura sighs. "You are the chick in this Korean Drama."

I'M THE CHICK?! OH HELL NO? WHY WHY WHY! DID YOU NOT HEAR MY RANT ABOUT SAI? IF ANYTHING, I'M THE HOT, BROODING MALE LEAD WITH A SWANKY MANSION!

"But you're poor. Therefore, you're the chick," Sakura states and it's final. Wow, how racist. You can't pigeon-hole all Koreans like that. That is improprer stereotyping that could potential limit their economic and social status in our country, hence influencing the opportunities they're given and how their manipulated image will distort society's perceptions of Koreans.

"Oh shut up, Shikamaru" Choji cries as he munches on his chips-HOLD ON YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND BACK ME UP HERE!

Not all Korean Dramas are like that. Have you not seen _My Fair Lady_? Okay, maybe that doesn't help my case.

I can't. No, let's stop. I'm done with this shit. There is no way my life is a Korean Drama to make it seem like I'm in love with Ino.

But what if I am?

"It's settled!" Naruto cheers.

**Conclusion: Nara Shikamaru, we declare you to be undeniably in love with Yamanaka Ino.**


	6. SasuSaku: Friends with Benefits

The One Where...He and She are Friends with Benefits, but Both Want More (Whatever That is)

Subjects: Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura

Hypothesis: They still do each other regardless of whether they're officially in a relationship or not. Why should I devote a fraction of my heart to this?

The Fourth Shinobi World War was finally over. Lives were sacrified, but peace was achieved.

How naïve we were to believe so.

Now, you're probably wondering: Which idiot decided to ruin it for us? First, there were two idiots. Second, while our village was physically safe, it was not for our social life. And lastly, these two idiots were literally, well...fucking. So who were these two idiots who decided to disrupt the village peace?

Technically, their names are Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura, but they should change it to "Dumbass" and "Baffoon" because they are making a normal, healthy activity between a man and a woman a disturbance of the peace. It's very troublesome.

To be honest, I didn't learn about their "friends-with-benefits" relationship from gossip. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. And by that, I mean multiple places and times. The only errand I had that day was to drop off my clan medicine for some research at the hospital. Before I knocked on Sakura's door, I heard them. And by them, I mean their awful moans.

"Ugh, f-faster S-Sasuke!" I naïvely hoped those two were eating a quick lunch.

"D-Damnit, s-so tight." More moans follow.

Oh, Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura are doing each other but aren't in a relationship. Huh.

Awkward silence from my sign. Moans and grunts from the other.

That's cool. This should have no significance in my life. I'm honest. I know it's juicy gossip, but it's the bottom of my list of important things to care about What really irked me was that I always just happen to be around when they're doing each other. Going to the training grounds? See them doing each other. Pass by Sakura's place at two in the morning after a long mission? Hear Sasuke curse and moan from her window. Send a message to Sasuke at his apartment? Hear them do S&M (it sounds way less sexy in reality than the movies, let's be real.). Chilling in my bedroom? Pants of "Sasuke-kun" and "Sakura" echoing from my wind-wait a second...

HOLD UP WHY ARE YOU TWO DOING IT IN MY CLAN FOREST? THAT IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED FOR NON-MEMBERS OF THE NARA CLAN! THERE ARE YOUNG DEERS THERE OH MY GOD ZIP UP YOUR PANTS, SASUKE! SAKURA, STOP MOANING SO LOUD, YOU'RE SCARING OFF THE BABIES! AND IT'S FOUR IN THE EVENING! COULD YOU AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE SUN WAS DOWN? YOU JUST HAD TO GO TO THE ONE PART OF THE FOREST THAT HAPPENS TO BE NEAR MY BEDROOM! YOU TWO ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!

How rude of them.

Here's a fact about friends with benefits: they think they act so discretely that nobody knows, but guess what? Everybody knows. We're freakin' shinobi, damnit. If we can spy on evil warlords for years without being caught, then we can certainly catch the latest gossip with no effort. Especially if they're doing each other in my clan forest.

"They're friends who like to have sex with each other," Naruto had described to me annoyed. Yes, because that should be perfectly normal. People do each other all the time, friend or not.

Clearly, everybody is not happy. Ino and Naruto want to strangle Sasuke and lecture Sakura for days. Kakashi gives them those subliminal advice where he's vague behind his porn book, but both know exactly what he's referring to. Then there are the men brave enough to ask Sakura on a real date, only to be scared away by a certain Uchiha. Coward. And if some scantly-clad woman hits on Sasuke at a club? Sakura is more than willing to throw some shade at her. Ooohhh, so heated. Which, again, always leads them to making out when I'm literally a yard away. Troublesome.

Did I do something in our past lives to annoy them? Did I disrupt their relationship in another generation? Why does this keep happening to me?

By all means, have sex, make angsty babies, give blowjobs, roleplay master/slave, why you should I care? Well guess what? I do care very much. Not as a friend, but as a loyal citizen of Konohagakure. Because what should be a simple contract between two people is blown out of proportion 'cause Sasuke and Sakura start having these so-called "feelings" that could potentially ruin their friendship. Gasp, shocker, tears, I'm heartbroken.

Not. It's pathetic how they let their feelings get in the way of a healthy exercise between man and woman. Above all, it is dividing our village more than the Fourth Shinobi War did. Aren't you two shinobi who must hide their feelings? Why exactly are they doing each other again?

"i need to feel alive." Uchiha, we just won the freakin' war. How much more alive do you have to be, you vengeful maniac? Fine, but why is Sakura so annoyed? I can tell because when I went in for a physical exam after a mission, Sakura wrapped her bandages so tight that I started bleeding again, cursing under her breath about the last Uchiha standing Not to mention, she doesn't give me warnings about the multiple shots. That's on you, Uchiha.

Come on, Sasuke, stop pissing off my doctor. Can't you see I'm in pain here? You have no idea how much this hurts compares to your dumb feelings.

"I want more from us," I once overheard Sakura say to Sasuke in some deep conversation. Okay Sakura, what exactly is "more?" You can't just say that to a guy, let alone Uchiha Sasuke, and expect him to understand. What is "more?" A relationship, a friend, a marriage, money? Specify! Not everybody devoted their lives to romance movies, especially when you fall in love with a dumbass who decides to ditch our village to kill off his brother, only to discover some dark plot of the village, then proceeds to throw a vendetta on whatever is possible. Seriously, you're a doctor, Sakura. Think harder.

Friends with benefits sounds excellent in theory, but terrible in execution. Like communism.

Anyway, I'm nearly done with those two. Sasuke keeps having these jealous streaks where he orders Sakura to stop hanging out with handsome guys and Sakura yells at him that he has no control any of her actions because she doesn't belong to anybody. It's pretty much the same argument every three days, so I'm already bored-Wait, Tsunade summoned me for a mission? I'm the team leader? With who?

Well, fuck. I'm on a mission. with Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. A seduction mission, nonetheless. How am I supposed to deal with their sexual tension?

Seriously, I'm 99% certain I screwed with those two in a previous reincarnation and karma is finally happening.

A seduction mission is one of the most simplest A-rank missions there is. You investigate some underground drug lord who fancies young women, using a kunoichi as said pretty girl while you have a small backup team. In this mission, the drug lord doesn't even have jonin-level ninjas. It's just a bunch of street bodyguards and the only reason Sasuke and I are present is to do recon on the drugs collected and the victims affected. A simple task for professional shinobi, right?

Wrong, because somebody couldn't keep their hormones in check and someone else decided to use this moment to purposely rile up the other. Never go in a mission with two people too emotionally invested with each other, but are in complete denial. While investigating in the club, Sakura decides to brush her hand a little too close to dumb drug lord's crotch, knowing very well Sasuke is watching very closely. This inevitably enrages Sasuke enough to crush a shot glass in his bare hands, shards hitting my cheek. His fist is bleeding red just like his activated Sharingan. Even his chakra feels darker. See where I'm getting at

They fuckin' scarred my cheek without touching me. They're trying to murder me. Karma is revealing itself.

Damnit, Sakura, stop giving Sasuke that evil, lustful look to piss him even more. You're just as fault too in this situation. Besides, this is a legit mission where I would like to get paid or else my mother will stop feeding me. Oh, I guess Sakura is quite enjoying herself with the weird drug lord dude making out with her neck. Yes, thank god she has a needle in her handle. From the looks, it's definitely a slow-acting sedative that will surely make him easily manipulated-What the fuck, Sasuke, why are you breaking chairs? Don't you know we have to pay for that-no, stop marching over there. My god, Sasuke, do not ruin this mis-Oh, hell no, he did not just start choking drug lord weiner-

UCHIHA SASUKE YOU ARE A SHINOBI ON A MISSION! WHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DAMN JEALOUS? DON'T YOU REALIZE MY CAREER IS IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE BOY DOWN THERE COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF IN FRONT OF SAKURA? I DON'T CARE IF YOUR HEART GETS BROKEN, BUT YOU ARE NOT SABOTAGING MY MISSION! LEGALLY I CAN'T THROW ROCKS AT YOUR FACE BUT I CAN WRITE YOU TWO OFF AS TERRIBLE ON PAPER! DISGRACEFUL SHINOBI! UNPROFESSIONAL MISCONDUCT!

AND SAKURA YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I WAS SO PROUD OF YOU WITH THE SECRET NEEDLE BUT THEN YOU DECIDED TO TAUNT SASUKE EVEN MORE WITH THAT FAKE LAUGHTER, TEASING HIS COLD-HEART DICK UNTIL HE COULDN'T TAKE IT! WHY COULDN'T YOU, THE BIGGER PERSON OUT OF THIS WEIRD FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFIT RELATIONSHIP, LEAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION? I'LL WRITE YOU OFF TOO! UNNECESSARY DELAY! UNPROFESSIONAL MISCONDUCT!

God, I hate these two. There blows two weeks of a paycheck.

Conclusion: It is too troublesome to deal with the emotional and physical relationship of Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura. It'll take some life-threatening situation for those two to develop into a real relationship. I don't know, let's add some random Orochimaru/Akatsuki follower to threaten Sasuke with Sakura and shit can happen. I don't care; I won't take part until I see some huge numbers in my bank account.


	7. NaruHina: The High School Sex Bet

That High School Crisis Concerning That Dumb, Sexist Sex Bet

Subjects: Uzumaki Naruto and...Hyuuga Hinata? Noooo, not the innocent one! Then again, it's always the supposedly most innocent girl

Hypothesis: Naruto will engage in a dumb bet that objectifies Hinata's body for some dumb materialistic reward, but backtracks it because he supposedly develops "emotions" for Hinata. Through that entire scenario, my duties as the school treasurer will be threatened one way or another.

Usually, my duties as the student treasurer limits to budget oversight, but I have a bad feeling the antics of Konoha High School's football team will bankrupt us one way or another. What's even sadder is that I'm on the team. What do I do? Technically, I'm a wide receiver but my major role is making all the plays our quarterback is too dumb to make. Besides, my teammates alway destroy our budget, like engage in fights during pep rallies, show up drunk at dances, play paintball during spirit weeks, I could continue for days.

As an executive on the student body, I have a responsibility to stomp down any nuisance such as the ones caused by my idiotic football team. Why am I on this team again? Oh right, because I create all the plays that the coaches are lazy to do. Seriously, what is wrong with our budget if we're paying five coaches for this sport when they can't even make a better play than a teenager who has no motivation for football? Troublesome. It could have gone to better textbooks and decent teachers since Kakashi-sensei only reads his porn books during class.

To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm the treasurer. I only came on board for Haruno Sakura's presidential campaign because her earlier choice backed out. Regardless, it makes a good addition to my college application and therefore, I must maintain my duty to at least 40% effort.

Like every class before us, the most popular guys in the school (in our class, it's Naruto and our friends from the football team) come up with some idiotic bet concerning a pretty, innocent, and naïve girl. The idiot must complete one of the following task under a certain timeline:

1. Make the girl fall in love with said idiot just so they can laugh in her face

or

2. Have sex with the girl so they can laugh harder in her face

And of course, it's the latter. Shocker. Such progress in modern society. To make it worse, the star quarterback Uzumaki Naruto must complete the bet. How much more perfect can junior year be? Here we go with the knucklehead. I would never have considered Naruto to take on this bet. He's dumb as a rock, but he's too chivalrous and kind for this. I wonder how my teammates are blackmailing him. Ugh, I just know these fools will blow our budget for this bet, leading Sakura to stab me.

The question isn't whether they will or not, but simply _how_. I need to inform my committee to stay strong and do not relent to Naruto simply because he's the quarterback. considering were the Associated Student Body, we have some kids with weak backbones. Kiba from defense demanded the freshman Shi to give him 1000 yen and Shi obliged immediately. Come on, Shi, we did not ask you to join ASB because you were easily bullied. Grow some balls.

Now, who's the unfortunate target-awww, seriously? The new girl? She has long straight black hair and weird white eyes. She's cute, but she stutters like crazy. It's like talking to a broken robot you spilled soda on. She seems familiar, but I don't know where. Anyway, poor girl probably started barely a week ago and now she's in the middle of an idiot's bet. Particularly Naruto of all people.

Ohhhh, I think the guys are really trying to get money out of him.

For the sakes of the student body and a prestigious college application, I must control the situation. Half of my motivation is because Haruno Sakura (who's going through an off period with her regular on-and-off boyfriend Uchiha Sasuke the running back and literally her actual feminine period) has ordered me to fix this crisis. It is disrespectful to the new girl Hinata and can ruin the flawless(ha, I didn't know Sakura could make jokes) reputation of Konoha High School. Also, Sakura went on for an hour-long feminist rant to the executive board that I'm sure was really informative and creative, but I was too hungry to care.

Sakura does have a point. I know my teammates are all about manliness, but this bet is really sexist. Way to objectify a girl's body for materialistic rewards that will temporarily satisfy you, but scar her forever without any regards for her emotions. If you keep objectifying women, how else can you persuade them to be your loyal wife that cooks and cleans for you? Wow, maybe I should have written an essay on that for Honors English instead of the hypocrisy of the hard-working man. Kurenai-sensei could have given me an A.

But if said materialistic reward was my entire college tuition...I may set aside my morals. Then again, Ino would slap me back into my senses. She may look like a prissy spoiled diva, but her manicured fingers can slap me all the way to Australia if I stole her credit card. Sure I've got morals and all, but my true motivation is to maintain the dumb budget so Sakura and Principal Tsunade don't bite off my head.

Back to my executive mission: Study more about the new girl, Hyuga Hinata. She recently transferred from a private school, so she's probably secretly snobbish despite her shyness. I guess she's kinda cute, but far too innocent and quiet for my tastes. She's also really naïve too considering she just downright agreed to a ramen lunch with Naruto after only knowing him for an hour. Sigh, this may be harder than I thought. Sakura will surely cut my dick at this rate.

She's definitely familiar, but where? I'm sure this is the first time I met her, yet she has a certain aura that tells me there's more behind this new girl.

Hold on, why is Hinata getting into a nice car? Not just any nice girl; it's a Tesla. Only one rich guy in our school is obnoxious enough to own that. Who's that driving in the car? A boyfriend? No, it's-

HOLY FUCK IT'S HYUGA NEJI! PLOT TWIST TO THE MAXIMUM! THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME SO THEY'RE RELATED HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THAT! SHE'S NEJI'S COUSIN! NARUTO WILL DIE! HE WILL OFFICIALLY DIE IF HE COMPLETES THIS BET!

Who is Hyuga Neji, you wonder? Not only is he our senior, but also the expected valedictorian of our school. He's the number one martial artist in northern Japan, president of the debate team, and our former quarterback until Naruto took over. Neji quit football his senior year to concentrate on his studies, but still holds a grudge against Naruto for stealing his spot. On top of that, his family is so wealthy they're responsible for 20% of Japan's economy. I never found out how they made so much bank, but that is for another day.

Shit, Naruto, you're going to get your ass whooped. Martial arts and football are two very different things. At least in football we have some padding to protect ourselves. In martial arts, there are no rules to breaking bones and noses. Even if Neji didn't lay a finger on you, he's so rich he'll have assassins hunting you.

Damnit, now I have another job: Maintain peace in Konoha High by ensuring Neji's ignorance to the bet. This is where I need Tenten's flirting abilities to significantly improve in two days. She's the vice-captain ofthe martial arts club alongside Neji, so let's hope all that training built her some nice curves to seduce those alluring white eyeballs.

Unfortunately, Naruto is moving too fast with Hinata. It's harder when she has no backbone. That shy girl act may be cute, but her naiveness will ruin her. Oh god, I doubt she's ever kissed a boy, and now she will eventually get dirty with Naruto? Poor child. Even worse is that Neji is her cousin. Oh, Naruto will surely be punished. Even if I don't carry out my mission, it's a relief to know karma will eat Naruto.

Sexist bet aside, they've gone on plenty of "dates" together and through the joint spying by the football team and the popular girls, they genuinely seem to enjoy each other's company. Naruto smiles brighter than he ever has since his parents' death. Hinata is only stuttering every other sentence. Wow, a record. I guess it's nice that Naruto is helping her confidence. This would have been a really cute story to tell their future children. Oh wait, that's impossible because NARUTO ONLY DOING IT FOR THAT STUPID BET!

How cute, Naruto is doing lovey-dovey romantic stuff. He made a clay sculpture of a dove for Hinata. Even if it is a big fat lie, he does know how to woo a lady. Wait, that clay is really high quality. And nobody except the student body buys that obnoxious color of orange. Naruto doesn't have that kind of money. Those paint brushes look very fam-

DAMNIT NARUTO HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM OUR ACTIVITIES CLOSET! GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN PAINT! IF SAKURA FINDS OUT I WILL DIE!

I thought stealing from out activities closet was the end of it, but nope, Naruto's too thick to stop. I had created this master play for playoffs. It was combination of speed and deception where Naruto would fake running the ball to touchdown, then steps back two feet and spirals the ball toward Sasuke. Naruto's got the best arm on the and combined with Sasuke's dexterity and crazy speed, it would be my winning play.

But of course, Naruto just had to impress Hinata and run the ball all the way to touchdown. Thank god he made it two seconds before the game ended, BUT THAT'S RISKY SHIT NARUTO! DON'T EVER PULL A STUNT LIKE THAT AGAIN, ESPECIALLY DURING A TIEBREAKER! AND HOW DARE YOU SLOW DOWN JUST TO WAVE AT HINATA! YOU GOT LUCKY THIS WAS THE ONE GAME LEE ACTUALLY BLOCKS FOR YOU! I DIDN'T MAKE PLAYS FOR YOU TO IMPRESS YOUR FAKE GIRLFRIEND, UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT!

One more year left of football, exec board, and high school. Then, I'm away from these crazies.

Sakura is not having it; she wants it over ASAP. She doesn't care how sappy, fluffy, and adorably romantic they are during the bet. It's a huge lie because all boys lie to sweet girls supposedly. I assume this anger stems from another fight between the boyfriend Sasuke, but I rather have a healthy neck than a strangled one, so I must resume my true duties.

This truly is a shame. Whenever I see Naruto and Hinata talking, they look genuinely happy. Hinata doesn't have her normal shyness around him compared to other people. And Naruto? I don't see no lie in his eyes when he shows real interest in her talking. I've seen Sasuke shout his name at least three times to grab Naruto's attention because he was so engrossed in Hinata. It's cute, but...seriously, when she finds out, you will die.

Also, I've got to worry about Neji breathing down my back whenever he gets suspicious of how close Hinata and Naruto have become. Tenten, let down your freakin' hair already so he can make out with you. I rather not have any immediate contact with Neji. I'm actually surprised he hasn't figured it out yet; then again, the football team rarely interacts with the martial arts club after the quarterback fiasco. Oh, high school drama...nobody's got time for that.

Time diddly dallies and speeds to Spring, meaning high school turns weird. How so? Our football team won Regionals without our coaches doing shit! My GPA is high without effort! Choji starts eating vegetables! Ino goes to school with no makeup! Hinata starts actual conversations! Naruto is still unfinished with sexist bet! The football team stole all our ribbons for Naruto's present to Hinata! Sakura transforms into a monstrous dictator over my inability to do unnecessary executive duties concerning the bet! Neji finally asked Tenten to a date! Sasuke is throwing a party at his mansion-Wait a minute...

Sasuke's hosting a party? That's random; he's completely anti-social. Why is he throwing the largest party a month before junior year is over? Unless...

Oh my lord, this is when Naruto will finally do Hinata. They really do plan this shit out.

As a loyal teammate, I didn't want to attend. As the student treasurer whose safety is at risk, I reluctantly did. For a brooding orphan, Sasuke sure has a lot of money to throw one heck of a party. Cheap kegs everywhere, several beer pong tables, shot glasses broken every five minutes. A corner of stoners by the couch. Drunk idiots in the bathroom. Drunk girls in catfights. It's your typical high school party.

Seriously, where are Naruto and Hinata? I've checked every room in Sasuke's too-darn huge mansion. Through multiple rooms, I've caught Kiba taking shots off a bikini girl, Sakura giving Sasuke a blowjob (such more for being classy, Miss President, and making me do all the dirty work), Tenten making out with Neji (I knew I could trust her as distraction), Shino buzzed so high he thinks he's marrying bugs, drunk-as-hell Ino crying about being single with that weird artsy dude Sai being too close for me to like, but no Naruto and Hinata. Shit, what room would they be in?

Of course: Sasuke's room. Only Naruto is cruel enough to do a girl on Sasuke's bed. Clever boy you are, Naruto.

This was probably really magical for them, you know? Confessing their genuine love while naked and sweaty on a bed they clearly don't own. Looking into the depths of ocean and moon (or as normal people would say: blue and white eyes). Holding her in his arms like it's the end of the world. Yep, super romantic.

And of course it is the end of the world 'cause a drunk Kiba keeps barging on the door if Naruto finished that bet already. Ugh, I thought peace was finally achieved since the football swore they wouldn't spill anything. They're not very reliable when given alcohol. And Bam! Hinata cannot believe it! Embarrassed and betrayed, she yells at Naruto for the first time, rambles about trust and love and Naruto's kindness, then proceeds her walk of shame. Hinata, you have every right to be angry but do not confide in Nej-Aww why do I even bother, of course she asks Neji to take her home and tell him everything. Neji's gonna beat up the football team tomorrow, I just know. I'll make sure not to show up for practice.

Speaking of the next day, let's examine the end results.

Oh dear, he's broken poor Hinata's heart. Hinata is a shell of herself. Naruto can't forgive myself. Hinata spaces out in class. Naruto misses half the plays during practice. They've lost the motivation to move on with their lives. What a shame, everybody is sad. And me? I'm annoyed as fuck because Sakura is still lecturing me because I couldn't stop a normal act between two consenting humans. How can I impeach this pink freak? Don't make me your slave; that should go you to your useless vice president who never shows up.

Whatever, I'm thankful it's over. I don't have time to deal with emotions that do not exist within myself. I've got applications to worry about, classes to ace, Sai to kill for flirting with Ino, re-designing plays for the finals, budgets to reconfigure, the list goes on. My life is hard for a first-world teenager.

I knew life was too good when we reached the finals for football. The game flowed too smoothly. Too many college scouts showed up for my team. The whole school drove over an hour away for support. Sasuke was actually listening to my plays. Kiba didn't curse every two minutes of playtime. Kakashi-sensei was not reading his porn book and actually paying attention. Our coaches coached us for the third time this season. Sai was not sitting next to Ino. Choji added vegetables while watching out match. And we were ahead by 21 points against the second seed in the entire country. And this was all before halftime.

Something or someone will do something incredibly stupid. I just know it.

Oh, what do you know? Instead of the typical band and cheerleader show, we got somebody dumb enough to bring out top grade speakers, a portable stage, and a megaphone. Wait, they have our school markings on it. Only I have the final approval in who gets to use that equipment. Which idiot transported all that heavy and expensive shit an hour away from school without alerting me? Somebody's walking to the stage. He's wearing our football jersey, has blond hair...oh fuck.

"Hinata, listen to me: I love you!" Naruto starts, then my world shatters.

NARUTO YOU IDIOT YOU CANNOT WASTE SCHOOL EQUIPMENT ON A CONFESSION, OKAY? I DON'T CARE IF YOU REALIZED YOUR MISTAKE AND HAVE TRULY FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HINATA! THAT CONFESION IS A DENT ON OUR BUDGET THAT I HALF-ASSED SO HARD TO MAINTAIN! WHO GAVE HIM PERMISSION?! SHI? USELESS FRESHMAN! THE FOOTBALL QUARTERBACK HAS NO PRIVILEGE ON SCHOOL EQUIPMENT! ONLY AND I AND THE STUDENT PRESIDENT DO! HOW DARE YOU WASTE HALFTIME FOR THIS DUMB CONFESSION WHEN WE SHOULD BE GOING OVER PLAYS! WHO KNOWS IF OUR RIVAL WILL MAKE SOME MIRACULOUS COMEBACK LIKE _FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS_?

NARUTO, DO YOU SEE NEJI JUMPING FROM THE STANDS LIKE A NINJA AFTER YOU? DON'T YOU DARE RUN AWAY FROM THE HYUGA! BE A MAN, UZUMAKI! THIS IS PAYBACK! AND I BETTER GET A NICE REIMBURSEMENT CHECK FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS, NARUTO!

Conclusion: Thanks to Naruto's thick head, we overspent our budget by more than the cost of fifty college applications. With that sai, Naruto still didn't win back Hinata. Way to waste our school's money.


	8. NejiTen: That Vampire Love Story

When Pretty Vampire Boy Falls For Random Human Girl...I Have to Clean Up their Shit

Hypothesis: Hyuga Neji, Vampire Prince of Hyuga Weirdos, will eat new girl Tenten through a new strategy called "flirting," or however Hyugas define it

The life of a teenage vampire slayer is not a desired one.

No, seriously, why was I born this way? My clan has been slaying vampire for generations so naturally, my parents forced me to do it. Otherwise, I'm disowned. Talk about parental support. Actually, they threaten to kick me out of the house for many reasons: grades, laziness, not making babies with Ino, the list grows every year.

But unfortunately, slaying vampires should be the second priority in life behind school. My mother will also kick me out of the house if I don't attend university studying to be a part-time lawyer, doctor, or engineer. I know I'm smart, I just don't want to pick up the damn pencil. Or a sword. Or a garlic-scented gun. I want to spend the rest of my life at the beach, but life is unfair, so I do whatever my parents say.

So what do I do as an undercover teenage vampire slayer at high school? Observe for dangerous vampires, I suppose. I'm not very attentive to this. Even when I do recognize them, I'm too tired from classes to kill them off. I might throw garlic or shine a giant flashlight to their faces, hoping they disintegrate. I can't do that anymore since they've grown immunity to garlic (damnit).

What a dream job. Only my parents would yell about grades, then wonder why I'm not killing off vampires after sightings at my school. I never want to argue.

In Tokyo, the most prominent vampire clans the Hyuga. They're incredibly pale with freakish white eyes and they apparently wake up flawlessly beautiful. We made some pact some days ago regarding the Hyugas' supposedly new "vegetarian" status (lame). Sadly, we have no right to hunt down. It's dumb really because I know they're still thirsty for human blood but since I'm not the chief, I can't do anything. Also, on top of consistently sucking blood from every bird I've cherished, Hyuga Neji throws off the curve for every class I take with him.

Darn the Hyuugas. I can't do anything with them. Except be forced to keep a very close eye at them at school. There's nothing like going to high school sitting in the same cafeteria as vampires. Shame that no one else is aware of it. They've been trained not to bring attention, which isn't so hard when Hinata is super shy to everybody, but come on, Neji: stop aceing every exam! It's already enough that I have to stalk you like a weirdo.

There is no way they've suddenly gone "good" simply by sucking the blood of random animals. There's been an increase of perceived suicide within Tokyo and I know a whole bunch of idiots did not decide to blank out in the middle of nowhere from internal blood loss. The Hyuugas are behind this, I just know. They've got new strategies up their sleeves. But how are they accomplishing this?

High school is boring nowadays. Kakashi bought the new edition of his porn books, Orochimaru-sensei crept on Kabuto as usual, new girl name Tenten arrived, student president Sakura harassed everybody about spirit week, Naruto challenges everybody to a fist fight, Hyuga Neji continued as the creepy nerd, blah blah blah-OH SHIT I FORGOT TO FIX MY BRAKES! DAMN TRUCK DECIDES TO SWERVE RIGHT WHEN I ENTER THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT-AW SHIT NEW GIRL GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! WHY CAN'T YOU MOVE, YOU FEEBLE WIMP! YOU HAVE HEALTHY LEGS DON'T BE-

Okay, my truck stopped. Good, new girl isn't dead. I've escaped a lawsuit-hold up, why is there a large dent in the front? Which loser did this-

Oh, it's Hyuga Neji. He palmed it so hard I have a crater on my truck. Typical vampires. I bet he intentionally destroyed my truck for all his slained vampire buddies.

All while blocking my truck from the new girl?

He's staring at her strangely, something I haven't seen in the Hyuga vampires in a while. Tenten and Neji haven't blinked in a minute. They're speechless. Oh my god.

Neji is going to eat her next.

Damnit, now I have to waste my sorry life protecting this dumb human. I can tell she's just as confused and attracted to Neji as well. "Oh, what is this feeling? Why is he so interesting? It must be his eyes? Why is my heart beating so fast? Could it be...lo-"

No, dumb bitch, don't you know he's a monster that will devour your hair buns? But naturally, you're an innocent, human civilian blissfully unaware of the magical dangers that lurk in Tokyo.

And even though he looks like the creepiest creep in Japan constantly staring at her, Tenten finds it _attractive_. She asks all my classmates about Neji. She's always staring at him as if it's the most sane thing for a teenage girl to do. Hell, she even decided to talk to him for the first time in Chemistry. He's so mysterious and interesting now that he finds _her_ interesting. And he walks her home. Without eating her.

What a grand twist of events for the new girl. This really shouldn't concern me, but unfortunately, it does.

Because when there's a delay, then there's a grand scheme of devouring humans.

"Son, you must observe the Hyuga heir." was my father's order. To translate: "stalk that white-eye weirdo that's gonna eat that random human." I swear, if my mother yells at me for chasing teenage vampires over studying, I will emancipate myself.

Then again, my family is loaded. Unlike hipsters, I like having money with no effort. It's too troublesome to work.

I mock them for being creepy, but constantly tracking all their dates is exhausting and just as creepy too. Hell, how am I not recorded as a vampire stalker? A judgmental one too. They have the most awkward flirting game happening every date. Too many times they want to kiss, but Neji pulls away. Maybe he's afraid to eat her in public and be persecuted for life. Serves him right-Whoa, they're leaving for his truck? Why are they going off the road? To the forest?

I seriously believe this is the moment he will eat her. Who would believe going to a forest in the middle of winter is romantic? Vampires. Only they would disregard someone's need for warmth for their selfish desires.

He's giving some speal about resisting himself from Tenten, so she blabs about online research (huh, the information she's spilling is rather accurate considering the sketchy origins of the Internet). She knows what he is apparently. Oh damn, is she gonna cut him? Is she going to murder him? She actually does look fit enough to throw a thousand daggers at him. That way, I don't have to do the dirty job. I can walk away without any effort and return back to my naps-holy shit, when did it get so bright and glittery and-

Goddamnit. Neji just revealed himself and all his glory at the exact moment the sun hits right there. Why else would he shining bright like a disco ball. What does this mean?

He's going to eat her.

Oh, I should probably do something, should I? Nah, maybe I should place my faith in Tenten. She seems to be doing well, or somewhat decent as she gawks and stares in awe and love and- hey hey hey, human, you're not supposed to lean in closer. Why are your noses touching? Why are your foreheads touching? Why are you breathing so deeply that I can hear ten feet away-FUCK IT'S A TRAP IT'S A TRAP HE'S GONNA SUCK HER BLOOD FROM HER MOUTH!

STOP KISSING HIM OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU MAKING OUT YOU'RE GONNA DIE! YOU ARE SO YOUNG, TENTEN! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR-THIS HUMAN! WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB! AND WHY DO I KEEP REFERRING YOU AS A "HUMAN" WHEN I'M HUMAN TOO?

I don't got time for this identity crisis. I need to protect dumb, innocent civilians. Of course, the only makeshift weapon I can do in seconds is a silver rock and a giant rubber band for a Physics project. I could probably do an amateur slingshot and use my lighter (nobody tell my mother I smoke, she would burn me) to add fire-GODDAMNIT, TENTEN IS DYING! WHY ELSE IS SHE LOSING HER BREATH FROM KISSING NEJI?! WHY DONT YOU SPARE THE HUMAN?!

Where are the werewolves? We've got some alliances to be made. I know they've been dying to rid the vampires. Maybe I can manipulate them to do my dirty work. I've got exit exams to study for.

But sadly, destiny determines that I get rid of the vampire for the sakes of mankind so I make my dumb slingshot and flick it toward Neji-Oh shit, it actually hit him straight in the forehead with his cursed seal-OH MY GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH BUT IT'S ACTUALLY LEGIT! VAMPIRES WITH CURSED SEAL ARE IMMOBILZED AND WEAKENED BY TOO MANY LEVELS IF YOU HIT IT SMACK ON!

I doubt this would kill Neji, but it's enough to distract him and allow Tenten to escape.

Well, that was rather convenient. Time to bounce and get high now. I would have pulled out a blunt if I didn't hear Tenten crying. Seriously, Tenten, do you really believe that filthy vampire? He's pale as hell! Even his eyes have no pupils. What do you see in him? Because he confessed his eternal love? He's lived a good hundred years, I'm sure there were plenty of girls before you where he spilled the same love routine. Yet, she's right by his side ready to cry.

Fine, I guess I do have to pull out secret darts from the truck. It's not like anything will develop in the minute it takes for me to retrieve my magic knife.

Nope, they're doing that makeout where they cry tears for days yet still find it romantic to kiss. Isn't it nasty tasting all that salt? I's not the bearable kind from the ocean, but the awkward one developed within our nasty human body. Shit, I really need a blunt. Okay, this will be over in a moment.

No surprise, Tenten is screaming at me as I approach Neji's semi-dying body. I proceed my quick lecture on the role of vampire slayer and its duty to the world, blah blah. Tenten won't have it. Neji's not like other vampires, let alone the Hyugas. He's different. He's special. He would never hurt a human being. He deserves to live.

Bitch, he punched me in the seventh grade and shoved me in the lockers. This ain't got nothing to do with you. Oh great, now Neji starts talking again through the fake strained, dying voice of an old, frail man.

What? Don't kill you, a vampire? That's pathetic. Stop making excuses that you're so in love with a human, that you've finally found a reason to live a hundred more years. I don't need your dumb speal of how she makes you feel alive after so many centuries. If you think that will convince me otherwise, you're wrong. My heart bears no empathy for tragic love stories, whether you be a vampire, human, or a leprechaun. Besides, Tenten, you have only existed in his life for less than five months. Is he really that worth it to sacrifice your life and dignity?

I am trying to earn back my allowance from my troublesome mother. I don't care if Tenten has her arms wrapped around your body, willing to die with you. I will live a happy, prosperous life without my nagging mother.

That's what emergency darts are for, which I shall flick right on your cursed seal. About now. Simple enough. Wow, for a Hyuga, Neji was one of my simplest kills.

Yep, there's this horrible scream of agony and pain from your lips, Hyuga. Now that you'll die in about ten minutes, I can proceed to go home and eat a good steak. Also, you and Tenten can get those dying, fake love confessions out of the way. See, I'm sympathetic enough to allow-oh, wow, he's actually crying. As in honest, depressing tears. Wow, they really are desperate to get all their confessions out. Huh.

Conclusion: Oh, for hormonal teenagers, I guess they really did love each other. Well, this is officially awkward.


End file.
